Kourtni’s Mental Health Journey
Mental health for me didn’t become “important” or even really understood until I graduated high school and sh*t hit the fan.
I always assumed there were only severe mental illnesses. Not knowing or understanding that regular functioning humans could have mental illnesses as well just not as impairing as what I’d seen or heard of. My family never really talked about mental health and I was a rather “happy” child and don’t remember feeling sadness outside of childhood woes. I could always talk to my parents about how I was feeling but it just wasn’t a regular thing for me.
The summer before I started high school, I learned my mom was seeing a therapist. I was a little confused on why because to me, counseling was for kids with behavior issues or people who maybe had serious mental impairments. I learned then that people sometimes go to talk to therapists to help “sort things out” or not feel so overwhelmed. Not just because they were “crazy.”
But once I graduated high school and had to deal with old boyfriend drama, rumors, and people who I thought were my friends turning on me, I noticed it really changed how I was feeling day-to-day and even how I felt about myself. My mom suggested I go see her therapist and see if it helped. Thankfully, it did and I started to feel like myself again. Once I felt better though, I stopped going because I felt like I didn’t need it anymore.
Fast forward to 22, I gave birth to twin girls, Harley and Penelope. While they are and always have been the best part of my life and I was so excited to be their mom and go on the journey of motherhood, I really experienced what I would call my first real mental break. I had never been so overwhelmed, sad, or anxious in my life. I was in such a dark place, I felt like I was drowning every day. I cried every day. My doctor gave me a questionnaire to fill out and shortly after I was diagnosed with severe Postpartum depression and Postpartum anxiety. I felt so much guilt because here I had these beautiful baby girls that should’ve made me so happy but I was so sad. I had such dark thoughts that scared me. I hated myself, I didn’t feel I was a good mom, and I had so much going on in my personal life on top of trying to balance being a first-time mom to twins. I couldn’t handle it. I thank God for my support system and for the fact that PPD didn’t take over where I hurt myself or my girls; but I can’t say that I didn’t think about it. PPD turned me into a completely different person. I didn’t even know who I was anymore, so I finally decided I needed to get help before it was too late.
I started seeing another therapist, this time a black woman. She helped me sort out my thoughts and express myself which helped tremendously. I started taking antidepressants (personally, I am overall not a fan and do not recommend unless truly needed) and after a couple failed attempts, we got the dosage right for a while and they really helped but I started to get sick and had to stop taking them. During that time, I also stopped seeing the therapist because again, I thought I was better and didn’t need to go anymore. I was very wrong.
I fell back into depression and life just kept getting harder. I had no motivation to do anything. The girls were almost two years old by this time and I felt like I was making no progress to being in a better mental space. Unhealthy coping mechanisms that did more harm than good burying my feelings finally became too much and I found a new therapist (another black woman) and started my healing journey once again.
My current therapist is the best thing to happen to my mental health. She recommends natural ways to help with stress/depression and I feel so comfortable talking with her. I see her consistently. Even when I go through very happy periods, I make sure I still go even if it’s just once that month. Since seeing her, unhealthy ways of coping have gone out the window and I’ve adapted new and healthier ways to handle how I might feel. I’m so thankful to have a safe place to fully express myself and not feel an ounce of judgement.
For new moms who might be experiencing Postpartum depression, PLEASE take it seriously. Get help if you feel it’s becoming too much and do not allow anyone, no matter how close they are, to make you feel any kind of shame for how you feel or for getting help. Your feelings are VALID, big or small. You can’t be a good mom if you’re not in a good mental space. Your baby(ies) needs a happy and healthy mom, take time for yourself and your health whenever you can. Your babies feed off your energy so if yours is tore up, theirs will be too.
“Evolving” to me means to grow and change to be better. How rosebuds flourish into flowers, from bland to beautiful. I’ve been evolving in my life by working on how I react to things that upset me and learning how to not take things so personal. I’m flourishing into the woman that I want to be and while I still have slip ups and go back to old ways/habits, I give myself a reality check and keep moving forward. Evolving mentally is something I continue to do to feel more secure with myself and life so I can pass what I’ve learned on my journey to my girls and make sure they are more educated and in tune with their feelings and mental health even as children to be more emotionally intelligent adults.
Thank you so much, Evolving Still for inviting me to write for your blog. I appreciate the chance to highlight Postpartum depression and anxiety.